body conscious

i think i've gained few kilos during this holiday..dammit..i was planning to go for a jog at least 3 times a week..but it was meant to doom..i wake up at around 10a.m-12 p.m everyday...take a shower for almost an hour..then pray and take my brunch..switch on my laptop and broadband and stuck in front of the laptop for hours..the next time i look at the time, it's already 6 pm..i would rush to pray and sms Azry after that..he would call me and we'd talk for almost half an hour..the next time i see the time again, it's already 7 p.m..damn..it happens for almost everyday..sometimes, it rains heavily...another time i would hang out with my friends..and the main thing that we always do is finding a good place to eat and gossiping for hours..not that i blame them, because it's not like we go out every week..i blame myself for not sticking up to the plan..6 weeks passed and i didn't go for a jog for even once..urgh.

most people would say to me that im already thin and skinny *duhhh*..plz...u havent seen me naked...i do..so i know how i look like..and i hate it...i wouldn't dare to wear a bikini or a short *ok, a short is a lie*...it's because my lower part is so ugly..i have these giant thighs and huge calves which i have no idea how to get rid of the extra fat in it, and it  is so horrible...my arms seem kinda flabby already..i used to actively jog most of the evenings..some other time, i would go for squash..it's usually when i feel so stressed out over something and jogging alone is not enough..gosh, i miss UUM...

i know that some people would die just to have my body *ok, to die is a bit overrated, some other word, plz*..and i do not seem to be grateful about it..it's not that i'm not, it's because i know i can have a better shape than this..IF..i can be a bit hardworking in doing the exercises...alright, the IF has come out...i have a lot of IFs in my life right now, but unfortunately, it's useless because i chose how i end up today..so, let's just skip the IF's part..

all in all, this body conscious of mine is kinda getting worst from day to day lately..i don't know why..maybe because i just eat everything i want...and later regret it it when i get on a weighing scale..and maybe when i wear my skinny jeans then i can see the extra bulges around my hips and my thighs and my waist and my calves etc..i can never be satisfied with it unless i have a body that i want..but then again, when it happens, will i ever be satisfied? i don't think so..this is what we called human being..haih...